I Was Waiting to Be Healed Before I Posted This

I debated posting this.

Not because it isn’t real—every post I write is real—but because this one is unfinished. I haven’t overcome it yet. I’m still in it.

I’ve always believed I should only show up once I have myself together, once the lesson is learned, once the problem is solved. Perfectionism convinces you that vulnerability is only acceptable after the victory. But lately, I’ve found something freeing—almost exhilarating—about watching people share their raw emotions in real time. No filter. No resolution. Just truth.

I disappeared for a while because I hit several setbacks at once, and instead of pushing through, I spiraled.

So let’s begin.

I recently decided I wanted to change careers. I applied to two programs connected to the pivot I thought I was supposed to make. Around the same time, I had a very promising conversation with someone connected to the field. I just knew this was it. I was already mentally packing up my desk, preparing to leave my current job—a job that has felt toxic for a long time.

2025 has been a year full of rejection after rejection. Interview after interview, always being the runner-up. So when this opportunity appeared, I clung to it. I knew someone there. I was told that mattered.

It didn’t.

On Sunday, the conversation was hopeful. By Wednesday, I was told they were no longer hiring anyone new. I was still encouraged to send my resume, which I did. And then… silence.

I tried to reframe it. It’s okay, I told myself. You still have school. Once I earned my certifications, things would fall into place.

Except they didn’t.

Every student loan application I submitted was denied. When I contacted the financial aid office, they offered payment plans—but the amount I needed for school was the same money I needed for rent.

So I chose rent.

I considered moving back home to get out of debt and reset. But then I learned my lease policy had changed. Instead of paying one month to break it, I’d have to pay out the remaining five months.

Five months.

In one week, everything unraveled.

I was stuck at a job I hate. School was off the table. My plans collapsed. And my boss and I were locked in a constant tug-of-war—every decision questioned, every contribution pushed back on. I felt small. Defeated. Trapped.

I was grieving my old self—the version of me that would numb out. I wanted to drink, get high, stay in bed, binge bad movies, and order takeout until I disappeared. I wanted to rot because I felt so lost.

I had a plan. And it fell apart right in front of me.

And all I could think was: Why does this keep happening?

Reflection Questions:

• Where am I waiting to be “finished” before I allow myself to be seen?

• What part of my life feels most undone right now?

• What would it look like to give myself permission to be honest instead of perfect?

If this resonated, share it with a sis who’s learning to show up before the healing is complete.